Last week I went for a boat ride. It was a sunny day and I saw someone in the distance standing on a dock waving at me. I couldn’t quite see who it was because the sun was reflecting off the water.
The lake was calm as I drove the boat slowly up to the dock. I was just learning how to drive this boat so I turned off the motor and drifted in. The wake from the motor rocked me slowly sideways toward the dock. As I floated in closer, I realized that the standing figure was my husband Barry. Did he want to go for a ride around the lake? I started to feel panicky because Barry is so ill and weak. I wondered how I could possibly manage to get him in the boat safely. I tried to reach out for the dock but missed it. So Barry knelt down and grabbed the boat. He pulled me in. I asked myself if this was really Barry or someone else. For a moment I couldn’t tell.
But when the sun briefly went behind a cloud, I could see that it really was Barry after all. I was surprised that he was healthy again. I shouted up from the boat, “Barry, you are no longer sick!” I felt so happy and relieved! But he said nothing and simply climbed in with no help from me. Then he sat down quietly in the bow. Barry lifted his hand to shade his eyes from the bright sunshine reflected off the lake. He continued to look toward the horizon as I started the motor and steered the boat out into the lake. I was vaguely aware that this Barry was much younger than I am, in fact, a lot younger.
But I wasn’t bothered in the least. I was stunned to see how handsome he looked. I thought to myself that I have my husband back and he is healthy again. As we drove across the lake, I was excited thinking about how much fun we would have now. He will grill burgers, we will hike, ski and make love again. I thought to myself that at last everything is okay — but then, I woke up.
I have had this same dream a lot lately. I don’t exactly know what it means, but I know I feel at peace when I wake up after having it. I always remember every detail in the dream. I wish I could dream it every night because it makes me feel like I am falling in love with Barry all over again. I also know because of this dream that he will be whole again when he finally does die.
Despite everything that has happened, I still love him very much.